10. Evan Longoria
What's not to like about him, he's young (just turned 23 a week ago), he's probably going to be named AL Rookie Of The Year and he's going to be an All Star for years to come. He'd be a shortshop if it wasn't for his college team, Long Beach State already having a stud at that position in current Rockies shortstop Troy Tulowitski. Well, every time I say his name, I think of Mrs. Tony Parker. I'm sure he thinks of the same thing and hates it.
9. The Life Aquatic
Is it a manta ray, a sting ray, why couldn't they have just called themselves the Tampa Bay Sting and signed the wrestler Sting to drop from the rafters of the Trop and be their DH? It would have been way better than having rocker Sting do the same thing while wielding a lute. It would be a better marketing ploy then having Nasty Boy Brian Knobbs show up at all your games as a season ticket holder. Needless to say, you shouldn't have a fish tank in your ballpark (that goes for you too, Arizona).
8. Jason Bartlett
He just looks like the sketchy guy that dated the girl you had a crush when you were younger. Nothing really scares you about him, but he gets under your skin because he has something that you want. He's a throwback like before Cal Ripken turned shortstop into an offensive position. Back when you could hit like Rick Burleson and still contribute to your team. Also, I once knew a guy whose last name was Bartlett. He irated everybody he met. So much so that I came up with a phenomenon called The Bartlett Factor. It's a triple threat basically; looking like, dressing like and acting like a professional bowler, but the bowler must be a jerk. This doesn't apply to this Bartlett, but the person that was the inspiration for it also was shaped like a Bartlett pear.
7. BJ Upton
He's one of 5 players in the majors whose last name begins with the letter 'U' (a vowelie along with Chase Utley, Juan Uribe, Dan Uggla and his brother Justin). Is your first name that bad that you have to go by initials? Seriously? (Well when your first name is Melvin and your middle name is Emmanuel, you don't go by M.E., you go by Bossman Junior because your dad was Bossman - Too bad Big Bossman is dead. I hear John Cena (from West Newbury, Massachusetts) is a fan of theirs because most wrestlers live in Florida nowadays.
6. Cowbell
I got a fever because the seasons they are a changing and I'll settle for thunder sticks or old fashioned hooting and hollering, but cowbell. Hey dude, it isn't dinner time on the ranch, it's baseball on the diamond. Really? Is cowbell the best way that one could come up with for supporting their team? Why not try to sell out your ballpark for an entire season and then you can develop quirks. Part of me wishes it'll just be a fleeting SNL sketch rather than a bad sports movie on the Will Ferrell comedy meter, but Tampa has home field advantage by virtue of winning the AL East. These are the Devil Rays, I'm starting to get a headache.
5. Scott Kazmir
This 24 year old southpaw has been in the bigs since 2004. He cost me my fantasy baseball league title because I had faith in him to pitch well in one game in September. He blew up against the Red Sox (I never wanted him to win, I just wanted him to stay in it and let the bullpen blow that game late) and I was never able to recover from the inflated ERA and WHIP the rest of the two week matchup period. This list is personal, deal with it.
4. The Rayhawk
This fellow went the full blown with food coloring look. The lazy haircut that looks like a Cleveland Browns football helmet when it's short. The mohawk without all the Mo Vaughn. Which leads to this query: Would Mo Vaughn have been better off as a full time DH instead of a first baseman? If he focused solely on hitting, would he have been as big of a star as Big Papi has been in this decade? If he had Manny batting fourth behind him, he would have been a beast. He would have been pitching Crank2O to the masses like it was VitaminWater. Back to the buzz, women are getting their areas styled into a southern hemispherical version of the rayhawk. Plus, it's keeping kids from learning in school.
3. J.P. Howell
Because every time I hear his name, I think of Gilligan's Island. Which leads one of the all-time top 'would ya' debates: Mary Ann or Ginger? One's simple, one's flashy. Does it really matter? This isn't a communist society, we have options and choices. At any rate, J.P.'s also a soft tosser and I prefer my tossers like my tacos and turtles, hard shelled. I still believe turtle soup is an urban myth. You aren't a starter, you aren't a closer, you're a specialist. And nobody likes to see the specialist because he makes you pay big time.
2. Carlos Pena
The pride of Haverhill Mass could have been a big league 1B for many clubs mainly the Detroit Tigers, but it took getting to play in Tamper every day in order to be a big bopper. 46 dingers last year, a mirage. It'll build your confidence, but at 30 years old, you are yesterday's news.
1. Tropicana Orange Juice
It's bad enough that nobody can agree on the type of orange juice they like (no pulp, some pulp, lots of pulp, calcium fortified, screwdriver). They have to be the sponsor of the most hideous ballpark in MLB (at least the Metrodome looks presentable). If the Rays beat the Red Sox and go onto win the World Series, I may have to give up on my daily intake of Vitamin C for the rest of the year.
